I couldn’t leave the woman
I was with on September 10th
it was a life I had known
and she needed me
but I stopped needing her
and I had left long before this
only my things
were all still there
and my soul was crying
to be released
from the stranglehold
of guilt and obligation
we shared a bed but
were not intimate
we shared a life
but were disconnected
we shared a house
but were not married
she survived a lifetime of
sexual abuse and trauma
and those scars carved
unbridgeable chasms
in our life together
and after seven years
it had all become passionless
and dutiful
and I was cheating on her
which only added to my guilt
which fueled my obligation
and though I could see the doorway
to my liberation
I was paralyzed
by guilt and obligation
I knew I was leaving
I just didn’t know when
it was a puzzle
with an obvious painful solution
but I vacillated
and kept juggling
just to see
what would happen
as my heart and soul
went places that most people
know better than to explore.
The next morning
an airplane flew into
the World Trade Center
a tragic accident, I thought
then a second plane
then a third at the Pentagon
then a fourth destined
for the White House
the world immediately seemed
rocked from its axis
hurtling, upside down
chaotic twisted disorder
shock and suspicion and confusion
and the terrorists could be anywhere
everywhere
and life became threatened
and nothing was certain
and all the pieces in my
puzzle of a life
were shaken violently
I saw the quick and unforgivable
nature of reality
and my guilt and obligation
seemed small and pointless
and the motorcycle I was riding
in the fast lane
after midnight
with its lights off
pulled over
and I knew I wanted something else
and I knew I wouldn’t find it
in the places where I used to hang
so I decided to make a change
and then the twin towers fell
and one month and a day
after September 11th
I left her
for the woman
who was to become my wife.
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