In my previous coupling,
finding the right Christmas card
was a small but onerous task
I’d approach the display
with rows and rows
of sentiment and imagery
laid before me
waiting to articulate
all the things
I should have felt:
“I know I don’t say
‘I love you’ enough “
well, I did say it
but I wasn’t in love anymore
“I’ve loved every day with you
since we met”
that wasn’t true
especially since
her PTSD flared up
in 1997 and our sex life
became a memory
“You’re the one I want
to spend the rest of my life with”
I knew our coupling had a shelf-life
but I just didn’t know
if it was going to end
next week, next month, next year
or tomorrow
“You’re my true love”
how could I say that when I had been
unfaithful for the past year?
Hallmark doesn’t make a card that says
“I care about you
but I wish I could leave you
and I have too much guilt to do so
during the holiday season
so I’ll act like there's nothing’s wrong and
God knows where my heart will be
next week, next month, next year
or tomorrow.”
Knowing I could not buy
these kinds of cards
because I did not have
that kind of love
was too painful to bear
and I took it as a sign
that this was not where I belonged
so I left her
and I found someone new.
Now I buy multiple cards
each year
because each one
expresses different aspects of my love
and yes
“I cannot love you enough”
and yes
“I’ve loved every day with you
since we met”
and yes
“I look forward to spending my life with you”
and yes
“I’m so thankful that you’re mine”
and yes
“You’re my true love”
and yes
“this Christmas is the perfect time
to tell you how much I love you”
today and next month
and next year and forever.
So I finally figured out the secret
to finding the right Christmas card:
be in love with the right person.
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